A new outlook in New Orleans

Well, needless to say, this past week has been a hard one.  I feel like my world has shattered.  Being told that we will never have our own children (other than an act of God)  was really hard to hear, to digest, to internalize.  My heart is broken in a way that many of you will never be able to understand.  I can't even put it into words.

BUT, God is great!  He knew my heart would be hurting!  He knew my friend Cassie would need a friend to ride with her to New Orleans as she moved there for schooling (Grad school at Tulane).  So, my heart was broke on Monday, and on Thursday I was headed on a road trip.  It was a great trip! 

We stopped overnight in Nashville, Tennessee the first night.  Then headed on to New Orleans, Louisiana.  The air in Minnie Pearl (Cassie's car) quit working in Alabama so we rode the rest of the way drenched in sweat.  We got a good laugh out of it though. 

Our backs were drenched in sweat!

We moved Cassie into her new apartment in the pouring rain on Saturday morning. 

                                                                WE ARE DRENCHED!

We then spent the rest of the day wandering the french quarter, enjoying cafe au lait and beignets at Cafe Du Monde, and touring Bourbon Street.  We then headed uptown to Jaques-Imos for what is said to be the best Cajun food in New Orleans.  The wait there was 2 hours.  While we were waiting outside a crowd was gathering.  We started to notice that many of them were in costume.  WHY?  We had stumbled on to Mid Summer Mardi Gras!!!  We ended up sticking around to watch the parade! 

I have many more pictures but most of them aren't appropriate!  It was a great show though!

Anyhow, after a great trip I am home and back to work (more on THAT subject but I will tell you in person.) 

D and I are starting the classes to become a foster home in October.  I take the first "class" next Thursday.  This will be a big change for us.  We will need to purchase all of the things that one would usually receive at a baby shower ourselves so if any of you know of places to get good deals or know of someone who is looking to sell baby clothes, furniture, etc for cheap please let me know.

Yes, I am willing to open my home to foster children.  But the thought still bothers me that while I may have a child thru fostering or adopting, I will never feel a baby kick inside of me.  I will never get to see my child on the ultrasound screen or hear its heartbeat.  I will never get to have a baby shower or have the excitement of meeting my child for the first time.  I know God has another plan for me, and I accept that, but it doesn't make it any easier in reality.  I know that this will pass and someday I will look back at my situation and know that things turned out exactly as they should have.  Until then, I'll just keep focusing on Him!

The good news is....

The good news is that when we are in Georgia next month, I will be able to sit in the hot tub.  The good news is that I can go on a diet and focus on health and not fear that it is for nothing (who wants to lose all that weight to gain it back with pregnancy!?!  The good news is that this is God's will and we now have a final answer.  The good news is that there are children out there who need a home and we are willing to give them that.  The good news is that tomorrow is a new day and this too shall pass.  The good news is that I am a strong, capable woman and I will be okay! 

The bad news is that history repeats itself:  8 eggs, a million sperm, and no fertilization! 

Time for a new dream....

Boomerangs (to Indy and back!)

Well, my eggs are now (hopefully) "baking" away in a petrie dish.  We left our house this morning at 5 AM to head to Carmel, Indiana where the doctors office is for my egg retrieval surgery.  Our good friends, Paul and Carey, went with us and made the two hour drive each way seem like only minutes.  Their stories had us laughing and relaxed the entire time.  I am so glad they asked if they could come with us....it definitely helped us keep our minds off the situation.  Dustin also appreciated having someone to sit with while I was in surgery.  Once he does his "collection" contribution to the day, there is not much for him to do but wait around for me so it was nice for him to have friends there.

Dave, Annette, Paul, Carey

Paul and Carey

They were able to get 10 eggs from me this morning.  I'm not sure how many were mature enough to be used yet; they will tell me that tomorrow when they call me with the fertilization report.  I'm just praying there IS a fertilization report:  last time not a single one of my 13 eggs fertilized!

It's been hard to not feel pressure about this process:  we have pretty much decided we are done trying in the baby field after this.  The money factor is insane (we could of had a nice fat down payment on our house in Alaska with the money we've spent attempting to make a baby!) and the process is exhausting!  Trying to work it around my work schedule is completely disheartening and frustrating too; possibly the worst part of all of it!  I sometimes wonder if I didn't work such a stressful job if we would have these issues ttc.  We are considering taking classes to become foster parents and possibly fostering with the intent to adopt.  It's sad to think about the fact that if this does not work, I will quite possibly never carry my own child.  On the other hand, its comforting to know that we have a back up plan.  All in all, its in God's hands.  I'm praying that I will be able to accept his will.

I'll leave you with a few pictures of me (one pre and one post surgery) to brighten your day!  I'm not exactly photogenic!

UpDaTe

It looks like we will going to Indy on Sunday for egg retrival.  I go back to the doc tomorrow for a final HCG level draw and, as long as the levels are high enough, we will head to Indianapolis at 5 AM Sunday morning.  Ill try to keep you updated!

Egg Update

Well, Doc called this afternoon and said to continue on my meds for another day.  I have another appointment tomorrow morning for another blood draw and ultrasound for what will hopefully be the last look at my innerds before heading to Indy on Sunday for egg retrieval surgery.  Of course, this will all depend on how my labs and eggs look tomorrow. 

Good friends of ours, Paul and Carey, have offered to go to Indy with us on Sunday.  D is very excited about this:  he wont have to sit in the waiting room alone now!  Im also thankful for the moral support and the company!!

Keep praying!  We sure are!

A Dozen Eggs to Hatch

I went to the doctor yesterday for blood work and an ultrasound.  My labs came back good and the ultrasound showed 12 eggs "baking" in there!  I go back today for another round of the same.  The doctor said he expects me to go to Indy either Saturday or Sunday of this weekend for my egg retrieval.  I have been having horrible headaches, which the nurse informed me is a side effect of the drugs Im on.  I keep telling myself "a week from now your headache will be gone...just stick it out!"  I was scheduled to work on Saturday but a gal I work with occasionally, Jill, has volunteered to cover my shift if I need to go to Indy.  God takes care of it all, doesn't he?  Even the little details! 

Please, please be in prayer that they eggs and sperm react this time.  I've been on different drugs in hopes that we will receive a different outcome....Im praying that this works! 

Camping

We spent this past weekend camping at Gordon's campground in South Milford, IN.  We were camping with a group from our church, and had a fantastic time!

We borrowed a pop up from a friend (we usually just tent camp) and LOVED having AC at night to sleep!  We don't even have AC in our house so this was a real treat!  Being menopausal and hormonal with no AC has been fun, believe me!!!

Dennis and Lori spoiled us the entire weekend by preparing the majority of the food!  Dennis is making us biscuits and gravy over the fire here for breakfast.  He is also the ultimate pudgie pie maker! 

Cassie's idea of camping:  hanging out in the air conditioned 5th wheel camper and shopping online!

Good morning, Cindy!  Waiting patiently for breakfast while sipping her coffee!

Curt and Jenny

I wish I took more pictures.  Cindy took a ton and they are posted on facebook if you want to see more. 

The men, Carey, and I entered in a horseshoe contest while we were there.  I was TERRIBLE but it was fun!  Paul, Dennis, and Curt all won over the weekend.  Swimming, food, and laughter completed the weekend!   Good times!  I'm looking forward to the next camping trip we have planned in October.  Maybe it will be baby's first camping trip...

Ready and Rearin' to GO!

I had a doc appt this morning for the start of my IVF cycle.  They did an ultrasound, drew blood, and went over the consents with Dustin and I (again!).  The nurse gave us instructions on how to administer the meds...the ones that are to be given IM made Dustin blanch a bit!  Luckily, the nurse who works at Dr Bopps office lives not 5 minutes from us and she said she is willing to give me the shots if Dustin cant.  D says he can give shots to cows and pigs with no problem but giving them to his wife is a whole different story.  We will see how that all pans out....

I start my "Egg makin" meds on Friday (the 13th.  Im going with lucky 13!) and go back to the doc next weds.  Ill keep you posted.

On another note, I told the nurse this morning that I had weighed myself and had put on 10 lbs in the past two weeks.  She said that is normal with Lupron and that the swelling, hot flashes, exhaustion, and weight gain are all normal for "that nasty, nasty drug!"  Her exact words!  I cant afford to keep gaining like this....but at least I know its not just cuz Im a huge pig!  Ha!

Cheers!

Weekend Update

Something has happened that I never thought would occur.....ever!  I joined Dustin in a fishing tournament today!  Today was the leagues first ever Buck and Doe tournament (meaning that each angler was expected to bring a spouse, girlfriend, or child along with them for the tournament). 

I approached this tournament with nerves:  As a girl, I was really worried about important things such as what do I wear?  Do I do my hair?  Do I wear makeup?  Where will I pee?  I  worried that the other wives would be totally in to fishing, decked out completely in Bass Pro Shops gear from the visor to the fishing vest to the clogs...and would wonder who the Tinkerbell was that Dustin brought with him.  In case you are wondering, I did my makeup but didn't spend a ton of time on my hair, I wore shorts and a tank top over my bathing suit, and I held it ALL DAY LONG because I REFUSE to use a portajohn!

We were on the water around 8 (they usually start at 6 but shortened the hours in respect for the ladies!) and this is how I welcomed my day:

BEAUTIFUL! 

I really thought I would not like fishing for that long of a time but I stuck it out most of the 5 hours and had a blast.  I only caught one fish and he was pretty little.  I named him Little John and back in the water he went.  Dustin caught quite a few fish but only one that was a keeper.  The fish have to be a minimum of 14 inches.  His one keeper was 15 and weighed 1.5 pounds.  Our neighbor Phil and his wife Lisa won the tourney with 7.75 lbs total.  Congrats to them!

I didn't get a picture of me holding my fish....I was scared to hold him.  I didn't want to hurt Little John.  I did pet him before he went back in the water though.  I'm sure we will meet again next summer! 

We did not win the tournament but I DID win a door prize, which was a gift card to Kohl's.  I was happy with that!

I hope you are having a wonderful weekend!

Menopause.....stinks!

The last time I was on Lupron, I did not really have any side effects other than moodiness.  This time its been a whole different ball game.  I have been so sick!  Aching muscles, exhausted, diarrhea, swelling, swelling sweating, swelling, and HOT FLASHES!!!  You name it, I have it!  I wake up at night and my hair is just DRENCHED from sweat!  This is not an exaggeration.  This has been an interesting week!  But it will all be over soon....hopefully with a good end result!

My great aunt Minnie died today.  She was 100 years old.  Dustin and I will be going to her funeral in Bluffton on Sunday.  We were supposed to be hosting the youth group here Sunday night for a swimming party but are going to have to cancel.  We will not be back from Bluffton in time. 

Another week is almost over....boy how time flies!

Music and Laughter

Music and laughter:  what more could I ask for!?!  We went over to our good friends house last night for pizza and a time of prayer and worship.  Todd and Lori played their guitars while the rest of us sang praises to the God we worship.  It was nice and uplifting night....and one I needed after working 2 12 hour days in a row and knowing I another tomorrow.  The evening left us with a warm feeling in our hearts....we have great friends and an even GREATER God.

I have not noticed side effects from the drugs this time other than the fact that I now have cankles.  Now that I know how to post pics, I could put one on here but believe me, its ugly!  I woke up Saturday morning with super swollen ankles, face, etc...  Even my fingers looked like sausages.  I've been drinking water like crazy to try to flush the fluid out and avoiding salt where I can.  Other than that, I have been super exhausted but that could mostly be from stress, work, church and extra activities...it might not have anything to do with the drugs.  :)  I was in bed the last two evenings by 8:15.

We have church this morning where a missionary from France is giving the service.  He is Annettes dad and I cant wait to meet him.  After church, I will come home to rest while Dustin goes fishing.  In the evening we have friends coming over to hang out for a bit.  A fun weekend in all!  I hope you are enjoying yours as well!