Okay....so this is MY blog, right?! And as it is MY blog, I am allowed to use it as it was originally meant to be used; as an online journal. Correct?! That being said, I am taking this moment to vent. I hope any of you who read this are not offended....actually, I take that back. I hope some of you ARE offended! I think if you read this and feel you conscious is being pricked, its probably YOU I am talking to/about! I hope that if you are affected by my words you will consider them the next time you are in a situation that might be relatable.
Many of you have caused hurt over the past few weeks or years.....and Im sure you dont even know it. Im sure you didn't mean to, that it wasn't your intent. At least, that is what Im choosing to believe.
I am infertile.
For those of you who cannot fathom this, think of it as a death. I mourn the loss of my one and only child often. I mourn the loss of the idea, the possiblity that I will ever have my own children. This is not a new problem, I have been dealing with it for over 4 years now. Correction. DUSTIN AND I have been dealing with it for over 4 years now. What I go thru, he goes thru. Especially since he has been pretty much the only person who will listen or ask how I am. It wasnt just MY dream that has been shattered, it was HIS too! We both wanted to be parents!
What hurts the most is that many of you have not once asked us how we are doing. Many of you ignore it, act like we should not be hurt or upset. Its not often anyone even asks how I/he is emotionally in the whole thing. However, many of you have been quick to judge. I have received cards, letters, emails, snide comments: not asking me how I am coping or extending sympathies or a listening ear; rather corrections, suggestions on what we are doing wrong, opinions on how we can fix it. Some of you have even went so far as to publically rub my face in your pregnancies! Some friends/families we have!
So let me be perfectly clear here! I DO NOT FOR ONE MINUTE BELIEVE THAT MY INFERTILITY IS A PUNISHMENT FOR MY PAST! NOR DO I BELIEVE THAT IT IS BECAUSE I LACK FAITH! I am a born again christian and the day I accepted Christ into my heart I was forgiven for my past. I believe that I pray to and worship the same God you do...and the He withholds things from us out of love/to teach us/ to use us in other ways/ for the bigger picture. I believe that God is a loving God and that he does not inflict pain out of punishment.
Yes, I can understand how many of you would not be completely understanding of the medical procedures we have went thru. Most of you who have made judgements about the things we have went thru probably dont even know half of what we have done over the past 4 years in regards to baby making. They include a year on Clomid, a miscarriage, 4 IUI cycles, 2 Hysterosalpiniograms, laser treatments on my cervix for endometriosis, many many lab draws, a failed IVF cycle, hyperstimulation of my ovaries, and more vaginal ultrasounds than I can count! Not to mention the loss of my privacy and dignaty! And not once did you ask how I was doing! If you were unaware or uninformed on the things we were going thru, you should have asked. When we would try to tell you, you would change the subject! So do me a favor and keep your opinions to yourself now! There are many things you do that I dont agree with.....and I have never once written someone a letter telling them so. Nor have I imposed my opinion on you in the form of an email or suggestion. I am a firm believer that until you have been in a situation (and I include myself in this) you cannot judge nor fathom the rationality of someones actions. Besides, what Dustin and I choose to do with OUR lives is between us and God. Do not think for one minute that our decisions are not made without much prayer and thought!
I love each and every one of you. But I am pleading with you for your understanding and caring....not your judgement and opinions. And please, the next time you meet someone who is in a situation where they cannot have kids, do not change the subject right away....ask them how they are! Ask them about what procedures they have done. Show them a little compassion already! One of the hardest parts of being infertile is that it really feels like there is noone to talk to about it! When you change the subject (therefore ignoring it) it is hurtful! It tells us that you really dont care! Dont tell them you know of a friend of a friend who..... or that you know of a girl who did ______ and it worked. Or ask if they have been praying about it. (what an insult....now you are insulting not only their medical condition but also their spiritual life and faith!!) Do not suggest adoption. JUST LOVE THEM! Offer your shoulder. Take them dinner (you would do it for anyone else mourning a loss, right!?!?) Send a card that says "I dont know what to say but I care!"....
That being said, for those of you who have been supportive, THANK YOU! Please know that it's not over for us yet....we still need your prayers and words of encouragement. We are looking into doing an embryo adoption (those of you who dont agree, we KNOW! Keep your lips locked, please!) We meet with the Doctor again on Monday. I believe we will officially go on the embryo donation list at that time. Then it is just a waiting game. I believe God has a plan for us....maybe all along he wanted us to use others embryos to save a life!) I would love to tell my infertility story to anyone who will listen....just ask! Thanks again for your support!
****Like I said before, this is not written to anyone person....just needed to get some thoughts off my chest. Thought you might like to know how I am feeling. That IS what friends and family are for, right!?!?!***