Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Im a genetic FREAK!

I spoke to the embryologist and biologist today.  Up until the phone rang, and I looked down and saw that it was a call from Indianapolis, I had secretly held out hope that things were going to turn around.  I knew they said there was a window of opportunity for fertilization (16-20 hours) and that I had passed it with out one hint of chemical reaction....but I trust a God who can turn water into wine....and surely He could turn our cellular mess into a baby if He choose, right?!  It was not to be....

The Docs said that my eggs have a genetic abnormality that is causing them to not fertilize.  My endoplasmic reticulum has disk-like objects in it where it should be smooth.  (Im sure, other than the big words stuck in the middle there, that they "dumbed" that down for me....if anyone understands this, I would like to hear your explanation)  In other words, it is highly unlikely that I will ever have a child on my own.  The sperm can attach to the egg but the part where they chemically start to change is broken, for lack of better terms.  We had 10 eggs that were "mated" in a dish, and 3 that we choose to have ICSI (Inner Cellular Sperm Injection) done to.  They actually put sperm in 3 of them.....and even those did not fertilize.  The Docs all have said that this is very, very, very RARE (one even said he has never seen it happen in all of his practice or years of experience).

They are reccommending we try IVF again, this time with ICSI for all of the eggs.  They said there have been studies that show that this egg abnormality can be bypassed with the ICSI, but it is not guaranteed. 

How do you know what to do?  Do we try again?  Or should we just use the thousands of dollars it would cost for the next try towards adoption?  When do I admit that my dreams of carrying a baby might never come true? 

Sometimes I think the worst part of all of this is that noone can understand the ache and hurt involved.  The sense of loss is incredible.  BUT....Im a survivor and this too, shall pass!  I fell asleep last night nestled in Dustins arms, my tears flowing freely onto his chest....and his onto the top of my head. I feel like Im such a  disappointment to him.  For a man who wants to be a father, how can he not resent the fact that I cannot give him children?

Any advice?


  1. I am so sorry, I have no advice as I write this with tears flowing down my face. I know that you probably get tired of hearing the "i am so sorry" from other people. But I read how badly you want this for you and Dustin, and realize that GOd has a plan for you.

  2. I should not be reading this while I am at work...All I am going to say is that I love you and I am here!