Disappointment...

Disappointment, I know your taste well!


Not to reveal too much info, but let me tell you about my latest “adventure.” I have not started my “cycle” since my IVF round….the second week of February. It has been 52 days since the last visit from Mother Nature. Now, for “normal” ladies who are trying to get pregnant this would be a good thing. A sure sign that something must be cooking internally, right!?! For me, it’s just another sign that my body has a really funny sense of humor (and one that I don’t “get,” let me add!)

Honestly, it is not uncommon for me to go months without a visit from my “monthly” friend. However, in the past 5 years I have learned that I tend to be a bit regular after being on the hormones. Usually when I go off the hormones I will have one or two 28-32 day cycles followed by cycles that get longer and longer between visits until I’m back to my normal every three months or so appearance. So, of course I got my hopes up when I realized it had been 50 days since my last.

I talked to Dustin about it, who cautioned me not to get excited, as we have been down this road many, many times! But of course, as much as I told myself I wasn’t expecting a positive result, sheer disappointment rushed thru my veins as once again the home pregnancy test read “SCREW YOU!” I threw it out and went about my day as if nothing happened. I mean, did I really expect anything other than a No?!

But, as I was lying in bed last night, thinking about the fact that I couldn’t sleep (it was 2 am….I’d been up since 3 am) I decided to turn on the TV. Of course it had to be the latest episode of Greys Anatomy. The one where the man is upset over his wife being in a come and her advanced directives that choose to not take any extraordinary measures to sustain her life. He just kept saying “She’s all I have. We couldn’t have kids so when she is gone, I’m all alone.” And finally, the tears came…..



That sentiment, spoken by some fictitious old man, is one of my biggest fears.